Posted: Tue Feb 02, 2010 3:54 am
Post subject: Fair Retales - The Princess and the Pea
Once upon a time there was a prince who very much wanted to marry a princess, but she had to be a real princess. In his mind, the defining characteristic of a princess was sensitivity. How he had gotten this idea in a world where the rich married their sisters and cousins to "keep the blood pure", one can only guess. Perhaps he had read too many fairy tales.
He was what others would call a hopeless romantic, which is something like the medieval term for "emo".
Unlike other nobles of his acquaintance, he did not frequent the brothels or bed the servant girls, not that he had any idea what to do with a woman anyway. He always assumed everything would become clear when he found "the one".
His search took him all over the world, but nowhere could he find a true princess. They all fell short. Too crude, too greedy, too inbred (even for nobility), there was always something. His parents, who just wanted for him a wife of noble blood, despaired of their son ever marrying. (They were especially heartbroken when he rejected the inbreed - after all, there was no doubting *her* lineage).
Years passed by. One night, as the prince looked out at a storm the likes of which had never been seen before, thinking it mirrored the tempest in his heart (I told you he was emo), there was a knock at the gate.
The king, apparently unaware that this is what guards are for, personally went to see who had come calling.
It was a young woman requesting shelter for the night. And she sure needed it, because the storm did a number on her. Her hair was matted and stuck to her body, streams of water ran down her dress and into her shoes, which made a squishy noise when she walked, for they were full of water. And she claimed to be a princess. (Talk about an obvious plot device).
"We'll see about that!" thought the queen, but she said nothing. I know this because I'm the author. I can read the characters' thoughts.
She immediately had the servants prepare a room for the woman. She ordered that a single pea be placed upon the bedstead, under twenty mattresses and twenty feather beds.
If the princess, when shown to her room, thought it strange that she had to climb a ladder to go to bed, she didn't say. The servants, likewise, refrained from giving voice to their doubts of the queen's mental health in her presence.
The prince sullenly poked at his breakfast the next morning, eyes downcast on his plate, so as to avoid looking at the princess, (he had given up hope of finding a real princess) to whom his parents were speaking.
"How did you sleep last night?" the queen asked.
"Oh terribly bad!" said the princess. "I have hardly closed my eyes the whole night! Heaven knows what was in the bed. I seemed to be lying upon some hard thing, and my whole body is black and blue this morning. It is terrible!"
At this the prince became less sullen, and allowed himself to feel some small amount of cautious optimism, for he knew of the great lengths his mother went to to make the princess comfortable last night - it was all the servants were talking about.
He asked to be excused and made as if he was going back to his room, but once out of sight, headed to the guest room.
With the your-heart-is-about-to-sink feeling you get when you desperately hope for something, but fear you won't get it, the prince searched the bed for anything that might have disturbed the princess' sleep.
Not finding anything in the bed, he slowly shoved his arm under the pile of mattresses which dug into his arm.
At last, he felt something. It was small and round. Slowly, he rolled it out from under the mattresses with his fingertips, and he was elated to see that he had found a pea. Someone who could feel a single pea through so many mattresses must be a true princess indeed!
He rushed back into the dining room, and falling to one knee before the princess, told her of his many years of woe as he searched the world in vain for a true princess, and told her of how she, a woman of such refinement and delicacy, made his heart soar, and that this is why she should please marry him. (He didn't mention he would slit his wrists if she said no - that was his ace in the hole).
The princess, who didn't know any better I suppose, accepted, and the two were wed right away. The prince had never known such bliss before. Nor again.
As for the pea, it was quite traumatized after spending a night under twenty mattresses and twenty feather beds, which, while not heavy by themselves, become quite a lot of weight for a single pea to bear in large quantities. But it recovered quite well after it was placed in the Royal Museum, where it can still be seen today, provided it has been properly preserved.
